I'll peel back the skin from my head

court yesterday,great news.

after 6months,it's all over!!
maybe now i can finally move on with my life.
you're out of my life forever now.
soo happy.
having a party tomorrow.
:]

first off,my trip to san francisco was amazing,saw old friends and made new ones.
went bar hopping up and down haight street,went and smoked on hippie hill and met some new ppl who smoked us out,walked around the city for hours taking pics of the tall buildings and markets on the sidewalks.
partied at b's house with a buncha ppl.
the NFG show was awesome,Set Your Goals was outta this world amazing.sang my heart out.
ran into an ex and also ran into an enemy who was once a good friend,ew.
passed out after the show ha.
azzy and i stopped in monterey and went sight seeing and met up with an old friend and walked the fishermans warf.
the ride home was good also,we pretty much sang along to four year strong the entire way home lol.
tripped out on the ride home,we both could have sworn we saw a damn guy on a bike on the back road and then he just vanished.



anyways,i'm not feeling that well today,i have a lot on my mind.
i can't replace you no matter how hard i try.
i feel as if i'm holding myself back.
every guy that shows interest in me i try to find some sort of flaw,but it doesn't matter how perfect,they'll never compare to you or the way you made me feel.
what will it take for me to forget you?i'll try anything if only to forget you for a day. :[
i've grown so restless,my heart is somewhere else,somewhere i don't want to be but i can't help it and those around me are upset by this but it's not my choice to make,my heart is telling me one thing and my brain another,i know which one to listen to,no matter how hard it may be to deny the other of it's wants.
i feel like an empty shell,so empty.
you took everything i had when you walked out of my life.
i know you're never coming back,it hurts to say it out loud for all to hear,i don't want it to be the truth,i just can't face it.
i'm in tears as i type these feelings out,maybe it's best to get it out,no more pretending that everything is ok,that i'm happy with the way things turned out.
you're never coming back but if i could speak with you one last time i'd say i love you,i always have,i always will,nothing has changed,my heart is still with you and with you is where it will stay.have a good life,bye.

i hate when you enter my thoughts,you don't deserve to even be thought about,not by me atleast.
i admit i miss you at times,but it's not really you i miss it's who you led me to believe was you.
i miss the little things you'd do for me,bringing me flowers,laying in bed cuddling at night,falling asleep in your arms and waking up to you,smoking with you at the beach when i first knew it was you i wanted.
it hurts to know who you are and what you've done.
i don't think i'll ever forget about you,in fact i know i won't but i know i don't need you.

"Yes your motives are tasteless
But your mouth is so bittersweet"

you don't talk to me huh?
is that why i had to change my number?
you're an idiot and so is your ex.
i'm over stupid bitches,acting like my friend when they're still stuck on your nuts and then talk shit about you but act like they're fucking 16 when it comes to you.
stop crying every night over the dumb fuck if you're just gonna throw yourself at him,it's pathetic.
i'm over the both of you and your drama,have a grreeat hillbilly life.
peace out.


i'm also over boys,running your mouth about our sex life,really?
grow up.

i've been in such a weird mood,just blank.
i'm tired of friends and familiar faces,i always do the same thing with the same people,i've just grown so tired of this town.

i'm going to San Fran next month,seeing old friends and new ones also.
i can't wait for this trip,it's what i really need right now.
i'm going mad.

ew chris srsly disgust me.
he's been trying to get a hold of both lynn and i,telling us he misses us and shit and want's to see us.sending stupid ass shit,"i wanna fuck,let's get a room".
and now i hear that he has a gf,fuckin grow up you pos.
you give all guys a bad name,you're the type of BOY that MEN hate,bcos you ruine girls.


posting nudes later,peace out.

so i just foundout that i have to testify against chris tomarrow,i'm sick to my stomache.
i'm scared shitless.
i don't wanna see chris and i'm scared that he'll lie and make me look bad,he has a habit of doing that.
after hearing katlynns experience in court,that makes me even more nervous.

i just wanna bawl my eyes out right now,fuck.

wish me luck.

update,it's been awhile.

so yah get this,i end up at brandon bowers house on new yrs,akward much?
as soon as i got there i was wanting to leave,i tried to avoid him the entire night but at one point he came up to me,stared at me for a few minutes then said "do you remember me?" i replied with "no...duh of course i do stupid!ha",we talked for a bit then i made my way outside to have a smoke.
i don't think his gf liked me very much,she kept giving me dirty looks and started talking shit to my friends,so we decided to leave and just as we stepped out the door,someone threw a half empty beer can at the dude we were with and about 5 bro's come running out and take him down.
we had no idea what was going on and what had happend,we just took the party to a friends.
it was no biggie.
my ex chris kept calling the entire night,acting nice until he'd hear a guy and then he'd rant about how i'm a whore and i'm gonna fuck someone that night.i just stopped picking up,which gave him more of a reason to txt and call me non stop till about 4am,i picked up and yelled at him,told him to leave me alone and he heard a guy sitting next to me talking and began to say "you're fucking someone right now,i can tell,you whore!" i was heated at this point and just said "yah chris and he's sooo much better than you!".
well the next morning he calls me saying he was "drunk" and didn't remember anything from the night before,saying he missed me,i simply told him "don't you have anything better to do then call me all the time?",he called me awhile after that saying how much of a horrible mother i am bcos i don't let him see our daughter,oh the fuck well,if that makes me a bad mother then so be it,sorry i don't like my daughter around your crazy ass,sorry i don't get high in the next room while she's laying on the bed like you'd always do,sorry i don't have my friend watch her constantly like you did,sorry i don't blow all my money on getting new tat's instead of buying her diapers,sorry i don't scream and bitch when i can't sleep bcos she's up crying in the middle of the night.
fuck you,i'm more of a parent then you'll ever be,you can't be selfish and think you're a good dad.i'm a good fuckin' mother,i gave up everything for this little girl and you havn't done shit so don't come running your mouth to me about how much you miss us,you aint shit and won't ever be.
i'm so tired of your shit,this family doesn't need you so don't think we do.
stop fucking txting me bcos i rly don't care anymore.

also ppl who call themselves my "friends" are beggining to get under my skin,they txt or write me saying they miss me and wanna see me but when i make that effort they bail,fuck off.
i know who my true friends are and don't need you,so don't think i do.
i've learned to rely on no one but myself,you kinda have to.


anyways,lynn and i made up,we realized chris just isn't worth it.
it's kinda nice talking to her again,we have something in commen and have been badly hurt by the same person.
speaking of crazy ass,i was watchin Fear with marc wahlberg and omg it's like that movie was written and based after my relationshit with chris!haha with a few tweaks of course.

we both know what we're doing is wrong.
what are we holding onto?
is it that we're scared of being alone or is it that we have a child together?
you say i'm the only person that you'll ever love but when i say i can't make it work anymore you say fuck you,you sure do have a weird way of showing that you love me.

i just honestly cannot do this anymore.
not after everything you've done to me,not only me but my family and friends.
i've never loved anyone more than i love you know but i've also never had so much hate for anyone as i do with you.

i'm going to try to be a stronger woman for my daughter.

chris called me wed. night,telling me he misses me and our daughter kris and how hard this whole thing is,acted as if he were crying,i really doubt he was.
i told him we couldn't speak bcos i have a restraining order against him and i just can't talk to him,not after everything he's put me through,i also told him i'll always love him but we just can't make it work anymore.
he got mad,said some harsh things,said "fine fuck you" and hungup.

i wish we could have made it work,started our family like we had talked about many times before.christmas is coming up and it makes it that much harder,we spent last christmas together,this would have been our first as a family.
i just don't get him,i don't understand why he doesn't allow himself to be happy.
hopefully he grows up one day and tries to change himself and his lifestyle.

i'm still going through a lot.
i think about him everyday but i know i can't ever speak to him again.
i can't even think about being with anyone else.
i only wish he had believed everything i said was true and realized that i did love him.

anywyas,i'm moving,i guess this will be a new start or something.
whatever.

so i've decided that i'm going on a hunger strike for the next 3wks.
i'm determined to lose 15pounds.
i lost 20 in two weeks so i know i can do it,i've just been stressed and eating like crazy.

it starts today.

i can't hold back the tears or the way i feel.
anyone who knew me knew what i felt was real.
i've been so depressed lately,i can't love you anymore but i can't move on either.
everyone keeps telling me "it takes time",it sounds so cliche' and it's hard to believe that my heart will heal from this.
everytime i'm out with someone new all i think of is you.
my mind keeps wondering back to you,i hate that i still feel this way but i can't pretend i'm ok.it's too hard to fake a smile while my eyes are tearing up.
i don't understand what goes through your mind or heart,i just can't wrap my mind around it.
you're back together with her and i gotta say it really hurt,you said you were over her and that you hated her.
everyone keeps asking me if i'm ok,well i'm not,i lied.
i can't talk about it without crying or without someone getting mad at me.
i'll just brush it aside and keep pretending.
no one understands.

fuck i can't stop crying,fuck all of this.

so i'm sure everyone has heard what happend.
i wanna set the story straight.
on Oct. 11th chris was drinking and started getting mouthy and violent with me,i went and had a ciggarette and took a walk to calm my nerves,zach met up with me considering he lived down the street,i was pretty much in tears and ranting for 20min.
chris kept txting me from ryans phone,saying i was with my friend marc who he doesn't like and he told me not to come back home to stay with marc.
i had zach drop me off so i could get my daughter bcos chris was extremely drunk.chris wouldn't let me into the house so i threatened to call the cops if he didn't give me my daughter,i was very worried for her safety.chris finally let me in after hearing that i'd call the cops,he told me "get your shit and get out you spic"i gathered my things and tried finding a ride at what was now 2:30am.he was yelling the entire time saying "if you have any dudes come pick you up i'm gonna beat their ass" and with that threat i told him to stop being an idiot and if he wanted me out then to stop threatening my friends.he then got up went over to the room where i was at with my daughter who was sleeping on the bed,he threw me on the bed onto my daughter then threw himself on top of me and tried grabbing my phone from my hand,he started choking me and then ripped my phone outta my hands and sliced my wrist while doing so.i was crying at this point and just grabbed my daughter and tried to get out of there,he then stopped me in the doorway and called me a bitch and spit in my face while i was holding my daughter,i just begged him to stop yelling bcos it was frieghtening my daughter he then told me to get the fuck out and grabbed my belongings and began throwing them out onto the lawn.he kicked me and my child out in the freezing cold,not even letting me get her a blanket or sweater.at this point i was concerned for my daughters safety and called the police.ryan began txting me apologizing for chris' behavior and making sure i had somewhere to go,i told him i was scared and called the cops.the cops arrived and helped me with my things,ryan came out to check what was going on,he had been outside talking to his gf over the phone while the whole thing took place.i finally got a hold of my mother and she agreed to pick me up.i gathered my things and went home.later that night my dad went over to pick up the babies things and talk with chris.
well things ended badly that night.both chris and ryan beat my dad with golf clubs and sent him to the ER.
anyways we're still going through court.

to anyone who has heard different from chris,i can't make up your mind on what's the truth but chris has always been a bad person and this isn't the first time this has happend either.
so believe what you want.
i tried warning ryan that hanging out with chris will only get him into trouble,chris doesn't value any type or relationship,not with his parents,gf's or friends.
he only looks out for himself and will let you take all the blame if it comes down to it.
i've realized how two faced ppl can be.
chris talked soo much shit about everyone,calling them "scene fags" and would talk about how you all have no lives outside of shows but then you guys are talking to him and hanging out with him.
i've been with him a little over a year and i've seen a lot in that yr,he has screwed over every one of his friends and has gotten kicked out of his house and has gotten me kicked out of my house as well.
so ask yourselves,do you really want a friendship like that?
is getting "smoked out" worth it all?

i went to court today and was granted full custody and a 3yr restraining order,i'm very happy about that.
i'm finally done with all this and chris as well.
i hope he never has to come back into my life,i'm so much happier without him.
i hope he realizes the destruction he creates around him and betters himself.
i really have no hard feelings,i'm trying to be positive about this whole experience and i hope i've helped someone avoid making these same mistakes.

i feel so alone.
this week has been so shitty.
i really don't get it,first he's begging me to take him back and telling me how much he loves me and can't live without me but i miss one date and he has another gf that same day?
i can't pretend i'm ok.
i know it's stupid to even have feelings for him but we've been through a lot and i still really care about him.
i just don't understand him at all right now.

a lot of my friends have been having the same problem with "boys".
why can't anyone be faithful these days?
why can't boys make up their minds?
ugh i wish i could just say that i give up.

i wanna have a girls night out or something.
we'll all just cry on eachothers shoulders ha.

i'm srsly soo over guys.
they're not good at anything.
you preach about how good of a friend you are but say you feel guilty about hanging out bcos you have a crush,wtf is this elementary school?get the fuck over it dude.
get fucking sad bcos you're "lonely" bcos your so called "crushes" turn out to only wanting to be friends.
meanwhile i'm always trying to be there for you no matter what.
i'm going to brush it off,obv not a good friend,i don't need him in my life.
laterrr!
:]


i pretty much stopped talking to chris,i told him how i've been feeling and said everything that i was always scared to say.
i think the whole situation is getting better,ppl are realizing it's chris fault not mine.


i've noticed i've gained a lot of girl friends in the last few months,i don't usually trust girls but they're going through the same thing as me,realizing guys are fucking retarded and will screw you over for some pussy,even if they are your friends.
stupid asses,srsly.
ha

i'm not going to get mad at friends just bcos they were lied to by some peice of shit.

i wanna go up north soon to see my true friends who will act like it no matter what and fucking be there.
kristy we gotta go to vegas at the end of the year to see erica,deal?

it's been awhile since i've posted anything.
i've been having my ups and downs lately,more downs than ups.
i'm a month and half away from pregnancy and i'm nervous as hell.
me and the baby's daddy stopped talking.
i just don't see how someone can be so careless and deny their child in the heat of an argument.
i've been soo bummed out lately.
i feel so alone.
i've been getting letdown by so many ppl lately.

a friend of mine kinda screwed me over and then apologized but ppl havn't been so sincere in the past so we'll see how this turns out.

another friend kinda stabbed me in the back with his decisions.

i'm sitting at home alone right now bcos my family went on a little vacation and i guess i wasn't invited.

i just feel like saying fuck it,fuck it all and fuck everyone.


peace out.

i'm not going to give in when it's convient for you.
this is what you wanted.
stop tugging at my heart for your own selfish needs.




And you can't deny
that I'll be the one mistake
you'll carry forever
and you can't pretend now
that you thought I'd forget
to notice you were gone
but the truth is...
its pointless
I'll make my own world somehow
where I control who stays
you won't leave because you
won't know how to run away
I'll make you care that I am
running here without you
I'll make you care
I'LL MAKE YOU CARE...
and you can't escape that
I'm in your dreams
like you swim in mine
and you'll live your whole life dreaming
your dreams will
be free of me
but the truth is...
its pointless...
I'll make my own world somehow
where I control who stays
you won't leave because you
won't know how to run away
I'll make you care that i am
running here without you
I'll make you care
I'LL MAKE YOU CARE...
And the truth is...
its pointless...
you don't care...
but the truth is...
its pointless...
you don't care...
YOU DON'T CARE (you don't care)
but the truth is its pointless
YOU DON'T CARE (you don't care)
but the truth is its pointless
YOU DON'T CARE (you don't care)
YOU DON'T CARE (you don't care)
you don't care......

people get on my god damn nerves lately.
idiots.
whatever,i'm just not going to let it bother me anymore.
i'm going to stop caring about those that i shouldn't.


yah we shared some good times but that was in the past,things are akward now and you made them that way,thanks.
:]

i'm so over ppl telling me what I should do with MY life.
if i choose to talk to someone then let it be.
i have to make my own mistakes so i can either learn from them or correct them.


on another note.
you act like you're such a catch.
you're just like all the rest.
stop trying to act like prince charming,i've seen your true colors.
act like you care bcos i don't and i won't fall for it again.

i'm soo over trusting ppl.
and fuck love,there's no such thing these days.
everyone just wants to get drunk and fuck.
i hope all these douchebags spread their aids to one another and die off this earth.